Hello Sweetheart. On the way to the chiropractor I had a lot on my mind, and I realized I have 3 things I really think I should talk to you about, but that they are really difficult for me to, because I don't know how to say what I think I need to say. Part of me wants to not tell you these things, because I know you're going through a lot and I don't want to add to that right now. But if you withheld something from me because you were trying to spare my feelings by not telling me, it would drive me nuts. That said, if you really *don't* want to talk about these issues right now, we don't have to. Just close this email and maybe you can read it at some later date instead. These are hard issues for me, so I don't think I'm going to just be talking about them non-stop after this, so unless you have a response to anything that I have to say, I don't think I'll be talking about any of it again anytime soon.

So, topic #1. You said you are going to be withdrawing significantly from me. I'd like you to explain that to me further if you can. Until then, I'm going to go out on what looks like a sturdy limb and guess that it has to do with my responses to issues about J.

While it is true that I haven't figured out what kind of relationship I want to have with J (if any) in the future, I don't hate him. I don't blame him for what I'm going through right now. I don't blame anyone but myself (there will be more of that in topic #3). I have no intention of "freaking out" about J again anytime soon, because I have no intention of letting myself have strong emotions where he's concerned anytime soon.

As for you, I still adore you, and want you to continue to be my girlfriend. With or without J's presence in your life or mine. If you decide we can't be intimate anymore, that will hurt, but I will deal with it as best I can. Because it's our friendship that has always been at the core of what I crave from you. You have become my best friend, someone I can come to with anything, and I'd like to be the same for you.

I hope that you don't withdraw afterall, because I'm afraid that will hurt our friendship. Whatever you decide about me, I can't change it, I can only hope that you can understand me and what I feel for you and how much you mean to me and how much I want to be there for you. All I can do is reiterate (?sp) that I will always love and support you, whatever you decide to do about your relationship with J, if you're going to move with your family, if you're going to put your kids in school, etc.

I'm going to move onto topic #2. These topics just get harder. E believes that my self-esteem could use a healthy dose of anonymous lust. He thinks it would help for us to look for a guy again.

I am an enormous, mixed-bag of emotions regarding this topic. I am still trying to grasp the concept that this isn't a monogamous 4some. For the longest time, I have been of the belief that finding another man would be cheating. And not only on J. But on you. Even knowing that J isn't going to be fucking just you and me in the future doesn't make it an easy thing for me to consider. And there's you. For some reason I don't want to be with other guys because of you. And I don't want you to be with other guys because of me.

This makes no sense, huh? We talked about exclusivity, and "girls" were all that were discussed, and it was only about you and me. And yet my mind went on to include J and exclude other guys. Where the hell do these conclusions come from??? I amaze myself sometimes at where my mind goes without my even realizing it.

So, yah, do you want to be with other guys? Or are we exclusive with just our husbands and each other?

Aside from whatever your answer, I just don't know where to go with E's suggestion. The idea has been repulsive to me for a year now. But I see his point, that I crave male attention, and that what happened this weekend has really hit me in the self-esteem department.

I think I might want to eventually take E up on his offer, just not any time soon. Because right now my mind is just not in a place to go messing around in that sort of thing. But it's out there as a possibility, and it raised the complication that I had once again "assumed" something about our relationship, so I thought we should talk about this and I should get your opinion on the whole thing.

FYI, if you want to be with other guys, I think I would be able to work with that, it would just be a little weird. All of this assuming that after you finish reading this email, you still want me to be your girlfriend, let alone in your life.

So onto topic #3, which is what happened last night after you guys dropped me off.

I want to begin by being very clear that what's going on with me is about me. You are on my mind a lot because I do worry about you and what you're going to decide about your long term relationship with J. But right now, I am in a weird place because of *me*. I am realizing things about myself that I didn't know were there.

J isn't responsible, E isn't responsible, you aren't responsible. That is the truth and my belief. I'm holding onto facts right now as precious commodoties because I'm so afraid of myself right now.

I believe I've described my finding about J having sex with **** as feeling like a betrayal. That was on my mind when I read your email. My mind went a million places at once and I didn't know what to do, and an old idea popped into my head: I used to run when I was a girl. Run as fast and as hard and as far as I could. I quietly put on my shoes and jacket, grabbed my keys, and ran out of the house. It was exhilerating to feel my legs actually *work*. I actually run better than I walk or do stairs. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. I was smiling and crying at the same time.

I walked circles at the park for a long time. Realizing that I was hurt, but that all the hurt was because I had assumed things and my emotional response system was fucked up. I formed an attachment and level of trust with J that made no sense. I never trust people, especially men. And right away I trusted him for no better reason than you were his wife and you were AWESOME.

Still, being rational enough to realize why things were happening didn't make it hurt any less. And the hurt was driving me farther from rational by the minute. I can't explain it now, but I latched onto the word whore. It kept repeating in my head. I finally found an outlet, a sense of peace, when I latched onto an idea single-mindedly. I stopped worrying about E finding me, about being hurt by events, about what you would think of me, and solely contemplated how to do this one little thing that seemed so simple and so important at the time.

I went to the fence, found a sharp edge, and used it to cut a big "W" into my forearm.

I had no clue I was a cutter, even though I have done it once before during the Scottish Bastard Ross meltdown. I went online and all the things I've read about it don't make sense to me. None of the reasonings given sound right to me. But what is true is that it wasn't a suicide attempt. I didn't want to die. I wanted a physical manifestation of my emotional pain. Something I couldn't deny when the world looked at me. I couldn't smile and nod and pretend that everything was just peachy anymore. I could show the world I was broken instead of hiding it in shame. And maybe, just maybe, I could heal again.

These are recurring themes for me. Feeling like I'm hiding, not wanting to, feeling broken, wanting to fix myself. Wanting to hide and be found out at the same time.

None of it, none of it at all, has anything to do with you or E or J.

But you're going to decide what you believe and if you want me in your life, and there's nothing I can say to change that decision. I can only hope for the best. I pray I didn't just shoot a canonball through the floor of our "same boat", because I really like our boat. I really do.

If it makes a difference, I don't expect you to be my support system for this. I know I need professional help, and I'm seeking it. Emergency session with Rosa today, full-session with Rosa Thursday. No more dicking around and forgetting a day of meds. E lives here and has to work with my craziness, but I will try not to lean on you for this. Because you don't deserve my bullshit on top of everything in your life.

You are a million percent right, I'm selfish. I should be able to keep this from you and spare you one more heartache. But I just can't. I need you to know the facts about me, so you can make the right decision for you about me.

With much love and admiration and a lifetime of hugs,
M