I had a very tough decision to make on Monday, but I finally decided to mail the children's presents but not K & J's. I really wanted to send all of them, but I was convinced K would think I was trying to buy her affection or some crap like that.

So yesterday I braved the mall to return the gifts I bought for K & J. I should have known better. There was nothing vindicating in ripping off the wrapping paper. I was just sad. I returned K's present first, and as I got closer, there was this horrible sense of loss.

The day I bought her present was the last day we were all happy together. In fact, I was in the store buying her present when J called my cell phone and left that weird message.

I kept as calm as possible returning the items. Then I walked out and started sobbing in the rain. Finally hit a park bench to collect myself.

As luck would have it, there was a line at the 2nd store where I had to return J's present. By the time it was my turn, there were tears in my eyes again. Luckily I had met up with E at the store and he was there to finish the transaction for me. I didn't even clear the doorway to the store before I started sobbing. E put his arm around me and directed me back to the car.

I woke up this morning with the thought in my head that nothing good is permanent. Nothing at all is permanent. But it's the good things, the happy things, that you really wish were. And then there's disappointment and sadness and loss in the end when it goes away.

I want to pretend none of this ever happened. Focus on finding things to occupy my time, immerse myself in Christmas, etc. But there is a lesson to be learned from all of this, so at some point I need to sit down and really examine things. I promised myself I would do this soon. Maybe after Christmas.

The only thing is, I'm afraid if I wait too long, the anti-lesson will sink in. I already have problems trusting people. I'm practically ruined for trusting people. And if I let this sink in wrong, I will never trust a new person again, and may end up trusting the people I already do less.

But if I try to examine this now, I'll just keep on sobbing until the day I die.

Nothing in life is easy. "Every day is hard." Thanks S, wherever you are. K was talking out of her ass. She obviously doesn't know me one little bit, and is far more materialistic than she'd like to admit, if she can tell me my life is easy.