I don't save my IM conversations, but now I'm wishing that I'd saved one in particular.

After a grueling weekend of highs and lows, K. and I were chatting on... Tuesday? And some of the things just rocked me to the core, I just haven't let myself really think about them, for fear I may just fall down sobbing.

I spent Saturday at their house, and just the 3 of us were laying around their bed for many hours. It was an interesting time. At times very sexually charged, at others we just talked or snuggled or dozed. I lay between them for part of the time, and they did nice things to me. My breasts definitely like them very much. But everytime I would lean over to kiss K, J would do nothing at my back. It was kind of odd, but I recalled he does that when we're all in bed together. I try to lean over and involve someone else in our good time, and he just shuts down. Does he think I'm abandoning him for something better? Is he just resting? I find myself craving his hands on my back, and wondering why he isn't touching me, which is very distracting when I'm trying to pleasure someone else in front of me.

So then on Saturday, they break out K's paddles. She got all crafty and made her own sex paddles, in 3 levels of soft/non-softness. They both seemed really into this. A whole new area for me, I just sat back and watched. It was arousing to watch them be aroused. It seemed to do something to J doing this. He seemed very happy. He would stop and snuggle and kiss her neck, then start up again. That's when I noticed his eyes. He couldn't take his eyes off of her. And there was so much affection there. So much love.

For the rest of our time in the bedroom, this was what I noticed. That he looked at her, and not me. And when he looked at her, there was love. Even when they were arguing. It was a new thing, to see emotions from J. Emotions for her, especially, since she seems to think that he doesn't love her, not really. His emotions and focus were so strong, I felt like a 3rd wheel for a lot of the time.

Later that night, when there was a crisis with my family, I tried to put this out of my mind, but every time I was with him, it came up. He tried to hug me twice, but they were the most horrible hugs. Like he was doing it out of duty, and there was no feeling at all. His arms never fully came around me.

As he was driving me home, there was a lot of silence, which was fine, because I was an emotional mess at the time. He tried to cheer me up and talk to me at parts, which was also fine. But not once did he touch me or voice affection or even concern.

When we got home, it was K's turn to be emotional, and her and E went in the other room to hug and discuss. I sat on the couch with J and his boys, and snuggled into his side, as I was exhausted and I just wanted some human contact. And he didn't move. He let me try and snuggle, but his arm didn't go around me, it just layed there. And he didn't say anything.

When they left, I hugged him, and he was eager to get out of the hug. The lame hug where there was no firmness at all.

Earlier that night, as we were in the living room at their house just before the boys were to go to bed, I was imagining jumping on him as soon as the boys went to bed for a kiss. I had this weird feeling that if I didn't do it, I wasn't going to get to kiss him that day. And when they went to bed, I convinced myself that that was stupid, that it wasn't the time, and once we were all in bed, then I could kiss him again. Except that never happened, because The Call came.

So I think it was Tuesday, when I was IMing K. She didn't seem very happy, and I was focusing on the positive of Saturday. How he had such affection and love in his eyes that never left her. I tried to explain this to her, the love I'd seen.

She kind of wigged out, and started telling me the "truth" about J. About how he puts on an act for other people when they're together, so that she looks like an ass for all the world to see how he doesn't jive with her descriptions of him treating her like dirt when they're alone. About how she doesn't think he loves her, and how he tolerates her because he has such a sweet deal at home, and he tolerates me because she loves me.

At the time, I was freaking out on her behalf. She said she was putting up with this crap until her kids are high-school aged, and then she will most likely leave him. How this is her "work", to put up with J. so that her kids get what they need, time with her to homeschool them. This really freaked me out, because I know firsthand what a crap idea it is to stay in a marriage for the kids, and so should she. But she doesn't see it that way. He never hits any of them, and he's become much nicer to the kids, so now my worry is just for her. That she will become permanently damaged by this relationship. But when I tried to voice this concern, she started talking about me not fixing her and how she wasn't broken. Codewords for us that mean shut the fuck up and leave me alone and let me live my life how I see fit.

So I stepped back, and tried to put it out of my mind. And for the most part, I have. Because even though she is at times miserable, at other times she is happy, and it's her life and there's nothing I can do about it. Sometimes she makes me so confused. She hates him, and then I find out the next day that only an hour after writing all this stuff, they had hot monkey sex. WTF?

But yesterday I was having this horrid day. I was in a lot of back pain. A LOT. And the commute took a half-hour longer, which made everything a million times worse. I got to the chiro and I was almost in tears. I left, got in my car, and broke down. Because although my back felt better from the treatment, I was still dog tired, feeling miserable, and he had done *something* to make my shoulder scream in agony.

After soaking in a hot bath to soothe a lot of this away, which was just divine, I chatted with K. for a little while, adn read her emails. After immediately dismissing us yesterday in our attempt to get her down here by herself this weekend for some much-needed pampering, I found out that E. had somehow almost-convinced her. She wrote all over her blog about how much she deserves the time and she doens't care what J thinks. But in her last email to me, she sounded unsure that she could come again. I was so miserable, I could tell she was protecting me from negativity when we were IMing, and then I signed off to eat and go to bed.

But during dinner E. walks in and quizzes me about our conversation, because she's just told him she is not coming down and she went to bed with no explanation. So after dinner I come up here, and there is no email from her. But I go to her blog, and there is a new one. About how J is being a dick. When really, all he did was say "Whatever" when she brought up my new idea of her spending Friday night alone with us and then all of us go back up there on Saturday to spend it with him. And we go from that to an email to E that she's not coming down.

Great.

So I got into bed, and I thought maybe I'll masturbate. Maybe this will return some calm. I love to masturbate and think of J. Actually, in the past I have masturbated and tried very hard *not* to think about J, because it makes me feel guilty. But last night, I just wanted to relax, and do what was natural.

And instead of masturbating, the second I let myself think of J, I'm thinking of the conversation, and I'm *crying* alone in my bed. Because all this time, I thought we were working towards having some sort of feelings for each other so we can be a "real" poly-relationship, and it turns out he probably doesn't even *like* me.

Of course, this isn't what has me crying though. Nope, it's because I'm a #2. On E's scale, there are 3 types of woman for men. #1 is women you want to fuck. #2 is women you will fuck if they are horny, throwing themselves at you, and there are no #1 women about. #3 is no fucking way will I fuck that woman, she is nasty.

Sex in the past with J has led me to believe that I am a #1. After talking with K and how she thinks he "tolerates" us, I am suddenly convinced of her side. It has somehow drilled itself into my psyche, despite having no first-hand evidence. So suddenly I am convinced I am a #2, and he's been play-acting that I'm a #1 and I just feel repulsive. That word kept going over and over in my head. Repulsive. Because afterall, how could anyone find me attractive? How could I possibly have believed that he was with me because he enjoyed me, and not just because I was available?

This morning, I don't know what to believe. I'm kind of numb. My emotions have been all over the place since Saturday, and I just need a breather. It does not help that I ran out of my anti-depressants on Friday and I *still* haven't found the time to go pick up my refills.

I am of half a mind to take the day off and just sleep and not communicate with anyone who I have any emotional ties with. I'm late in getting ready already.