I just checked my email for the first time since I sent you that email yesterday morning, and then went over to your blog. I have not broken up with you. I was not planning on just leaving you hanging. I spent all of yesterday with my stomach in knots and came home at 8:30 to a quiet dinner with E and then bed by 9. I wanted to check my email, I wanted to hear from you, I wanted to talk to you, but I just couldn't do it. I was afraid of what I would find in my inbox. I have not been sleeping this week, and crashed in my bed for over 12 hours.Today I just wanted to rest. To be mellow and not worry about how things are going to turn out. To just find a little peace, hold onto it, let it see me through the birthday celebrations, and then tomorrow I would go back to your email and figure out what I was going to say. I'm sorry I took so long that you assumed you weren't going to hear from me again. I'm sorry I did that to you.
As it is, I broke down in the middle of the casino and had E take me home early. I dinked around on the internet putting it off some more. I was going to wait until tomorrow. I was going to mail your presents, go to brunch, then come home and sort everything out. But I just couldn't wait that long.
I still don't know what to say. I have blotted it from my mind, so that all I'm feeling is missing you and worried that I've made everything so completely fucked up I can't do anything to salvage any of this anymore.
If this email doesn't bounce back (god, when you're blocked, they bounce so you know, right??? I hope so...), then tomorrow I will try to send you another message before I go to brunch. It won't be anything deep, because brunch is at 10 and I want to send your package *first*. Maybe I will brunch and then send.
I nearly broke down wrapping your present, thinking that this may be the last present I'm ever allowed to give to you. I hope you like it. I broke down in the shower. Every song on the radio reminds me of you, even the ones that have nothing to do with you.
I'm worried and scared and miserable. And I miss you and love you.
*m*